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Stop unsafe actions
If children push or throw heavy objects, remove danger and help them step away first. A fairness discussion can wait. A loud argument does not require an immediate lengthy conversation while participants find listening and controlling their actions difficult or impossible.
State a brief limit: “I will not let you hit.” Offer a pause and available support. Acknowledging feelings does not remove the need to stop harm. Do not make one child soothe another while they are frightened, distressed or still unsafe themselves.
Check whether mediation fits
Ordinary conflict and bullying need different adult responses. Repeated harm, threats or clear unequal power are not automatic invitations to sit children together as equal negotiating parties. Protection is needed before any demand for shared blame, compromise or reconciliation is considered.
In a safe disagreement, ask whether both children are ready to talk and want help. A child may leave the game. Adults do not have to preserve shared play at any cost or make friendship the compulsory outcome of resolving a dispute.
Let each person describe the difficulty
Once calmer, let each child explain what happened and what they wanted. Separate actions from labels: “You took the box” is clearer than “you are always selfish.” Do not require a younger child to give an account as detailed as an older child’s.
Reflect what you heard and check it: one wanted to preserve a building, another wanted a vehicle. This is our example. Understanding different goals does not require accepting every action; wishes can be discussed alongside a firm limit against destroying someone else’s work.
Look for several solutions
Invite more than one possibility: another box, waiting, a joint construction or separate play. Child Mind Institute includes generating options and considering their usefulness within teaching conflict resolution. There is no single procedure that suits every dispute, household or combination of children.
Ask whether an option fits both people and is safe. Do not automatically assign compromise to the child who tends to agree more easily. Solutions need not look identical, but must consider actual rights, boundaries and abilities rather than only an adult’s convenience.
Make the agreement clear
Make the agreement specific: who does what, until when, and how they can report a problem. “Be kinder” is vague. If time is involved, check that the children understand how it is measured and an adult can help with the transition.
An apology does not replace returning property or stopping harm. Do not demand hugs, handshakes or immediate forgiveness. A child can acknowledge their part and still not want to resume play now. Respecting that decision belongs within the agreement rather than outside it.
Review what happened afterwards
Ask later whether the plan worked and what needs changing. A failed agreement is a reason to revisit conditions, not proof that children cannot negotiate. Different materials, more space or adult help at the start of the game may be necessary and more useful than another lecture.
If disputes repeatedly lead to injury, fear or exclusion of one participant, do not leave them to children’s self-management. Adults need to assess the setting and provide appropriate support. This guide cannot replace an individual safety plan or professional help.